Raising Kids:

Parenting Skills for the 21st Century

Potty Training

Few milestones are as daunting for parents as the task of toilet training. One of the reasons it's so challenging is that every child is different, so what worked for your neighbor or those three kids at day care may not work at your house.

That said, it's still useful to know what they all did, because one of those tricks may be what works for your toddler. And there are some general guidelines agreed upon by parents and professionals alike that can help you achieve the goal of dry underpants 24-7. Here are some guidelines. 

When to Potty Train:

A generation or two ago, most kids were potty trained by age 2. Now, however, the pendulum has swung quite far in the other direction. Most children today master the potty between the ages of 2 and 3, though a sizable bunch are still wearing diapers well after they turn 3. Although it may be tempting to start your child according to some predetermined schedule (right when he turns 2, for example), experts advise waiting until your child shows signs of readiness. Starting too early or pushing too hard, they caution, will be counterproductive. Not only is it frustrating for everyone, but the entire process could end up being prolonged. Studies cited by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that kids who start potty training at 18 months may not be fully trained (day and night) until after age 4, while children who start after age 2 are often done by age 3.

Signs of Readiness:

·         Showing discomfort when wearing a dirty diaper.

·         Staying dry for two hours or more straight.

·         Choosing a particular area of the house to have a bowel movement.

·         Wanting to sit on the toilet. 

·         Showing an interest in or asking about using the bathroom.

How to Potty Train:

1.      Buy the right Potty - The biggest advantages to a mini stand-alone potty are that the child can plant his feet on the floor comfortably, making it easier to push during poops, and parents can move the potty to the den, kitchen, or bedroom as needed. Some kids don't take to the child-size version. The advantages to the grown-up seat are easy cleanup (just flush!) and perhaps an easier transition to toilets outside the home because your child is already used to a big toilet. If you go this route, get a small step stool so she can climb on and off the toilet and place her feet on the stool while pushing. You can also buy an adjustable seat that fits onto the toilet to make it more child-friendly.

2.      Start out easy - having your child sit on the potty fully clothed when you are in the bathroom. Toddlers learn through repetition and encouragement.

3.      Buy a good Potty book and video - There are several children's books that are well written and fun that do a great job of demystifying the whole experience.  These can be read at any time of day, but especially on the potty during attempts. They include Alona Frankel's Once Upon a Potty (HarperCollins, 1999), Taro Gomi's Everyone Poops (Kane/Miller, 1993), and What to Expect When You Use the Potty by Heidi Murkoff and Laura Rader (HarperCollins, 2000).

4.      Buy Training Pants and Underwear - Once your child's accepted the idea of the potty, the next step is getting him to use it. First you'll need to decide whether to try disposable training pants or go straight to underwear.  The advantage of training pants is that your child can pull them up and accidents are no big deal. However, some parents complain that disposable training pants are so absorbent that kids don't see tham as any different than diapers. Whatever you decide, make sure the rest of your child's clothes are easily removable (sweatpants are a better choice than overalls). After all, toddlers are still learning to recognize the sensation of needing to go and often have to make a mad dash to the potty. 

5.      Demonstrate - Let her watch you go (narrate what you're doing if you're comfortable!), play with a toy while sitting on her potty, and become comfortable with it at her own pace. Joining siblings (of the same sex) in the bathroom and having them explain what they're doing can also be very helpful and lets big brother or big sister feel they are making an important contribution to the little one's training.

6.      Pay attention - If your child tends to be fairly regular, you can head to the bathroom when you think he has to go or when you notice him tugging at his pants or making a face. Or you can try taking him at regular intervals. You may try putting your child on the potty every one to two hours to "try" and offer praise for every effort -- regardless of its success. Beware, though, of putting too much pressure on your child.

7.      Don't get discouraged -  It's not uncommon for a child who has been successfully using the potty for a few days to say he wants to go back to diapers. To avoid a power struggle or a situation where your child actually starts a pattern of withholding bowel movements, which can lead to constipation, you might agree to a brief break. But try to build in a plan to resume by asking your child, "Would you like to wear underwear right when you get up or wait until after lunch?  

8.      Use praise and even bribes - Praise can do wonders. Make a big deal of each and every accomplishment, sitting on the potty, getting his/her pants down, actually going. Some families find that praise itself may not be enough motivation and move on to other rewards. One idea is creating a sticker chart, with a new sticker for every success and, after a certain number of stickers, offering a small toy. Less tangible rewards, like finally living up to the promise of "being a big kid" are enough for some kids. Remind your child about the benefits of "being a big kid," such as if he wore underwear, he would never have to stop playing in order to get his diaper changed. 

If none of the above tactics work, your child may be a late starter. If this is the case, try putting the potty away for a few months then tryaing again.  Above all, try to relax.  Be prepared for accidents. Don't give them a lot of attention, and be matter-of-fact as you clean up -- even if you suspect it was on purpose. Yes, toilet training can be stressful. For the parents, that is!  If you do it right, it won't be stressful for your child.

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