Raising Kids:

Parenting Skills for the 21st Century

Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry is a routine part of growing up in families.  In fact, it has been around throughout the centuries.  Whether in the Bible (Cain and Abel), Shakespeare (Katherine and Bianca, The Taming of the Shrew), or between modern day tennis stars Venus and Serena Williams, it can take many forms. Brother/brother pairs are typically the most rivalrous, but brother/sister and sister/sister pairs are not immune.

The common elements of sibling rivalry are:

1. It stems from children's keen awareness of how family members treat each other. Studies have shown that by the age of one, children are sensitive to differences in parental treatment, by the age of two, can understand family rules and know how to help or hurt each other, and by the age of three, have a detailed grasp of social rules and can adapt to circumstances within the family.
2. It is fueled by a child's desire for all of his/her parents' resources and the inclination of the parents to distribute them fairly over all their children. Parents try to encourage children to share, but often meet resistance.
3. It is made worse when, in moments of frustration, parents negatively compair one child against another. Which of us parents hasn't told child 1 that child 2 does a better job of listening, chores, etc.?

The arguments and fighting between children can seriously disrupt the peace that parents try to foster in their home. While nothing can correct sibling rivalry overnight, there are some concrete steps parents can take to improve the situation. Here are some tips to reduce your frustration over quarrelsome siblings and lessen the fighting too:

1. Avoid making comparisons of any kind. It is natural for parents to notice one child is more cooperative or better behaved than another, but comparing siblings does not encourage better behavior. It only intensifies jealousy and envy. Instead, try to mention only the disagreeable behavior and avoid telling one child that a sibling is better at something.
2. Do not attempt to avoid arguments by giving equally to each child. This only encourages comparisons by children. No matter how hard parents try to make things equal, children are bound to find something that's unfair. Instead, try to give to each child according to individual need. It is ok at times to benefit one child over another based on what's needed.
3. When fights happen, rather than shutting down discussion, let siblings express their feelings. Avoid trying to talk kids out of their feelings by saying things like "Stop complaining. He's your brother, get along!" It has been proven that siblings fight less when the parent describes feelings. Instead try saying, "Sounds like you're pretty mad at your brother." Then let him calmly explain what's he's going through. This will often diffuse the situation completely.
4. Never take sides in sibling fights. Try to let children work out their differences. Trying to figure out who started a fight is nearly impossible, and even if you are sure who started it, taking sides only makes things worse. In addition, the more you stay out of minor fights, the sooner they will learn to settle their larger differences.
   

Fighting will not instantly or magically stop. It realistically takes time and persistence for you to learn new ways of treating your children and for them to learn new ways of getting along.

The important thing is to not give up, even if it seem like things are getting worse before getting better.  In the long run, you will be teaching your children how to get along better, which will prepare them for important relationships later in life.

ADHD and Meds