Raising Kids:

Parenting Skills for the 21st Century

Social Skills

Two different situations rightly cause parents an equal level of concern. In one instance, their toddler pushes another child down at the playground, steels his toy and runs away. In another, their daughter sits in the corner while all the other kids have fun playing house. The reason both of these situations strike so deeply is that they appear to be indications that our children are not developing the right social skills.

This concern is not unfounded. Not having friends or playmates can be frustrating, even painful, for young children. What’s more, a growing body of research indicates that young children's peer relationships are important for their development and adjustment to school. Preschool-aged children who have positive peer relationships are likely to maintain positive peer interactions in grade school, while children who have a hard time getting along with agemates in the preschool years are more likely to experience later academic difficulties and rejection or neglect by their elementary-school peers. 

By contrast, children who are socially competent show a responsiveness and a sensitivity to situations and to others that allow them to adjust to just about any social situation.

So this begs the question, “what can parents do to help insure that their young children develop the skills and the confidence to interact positively with their peers?

1. Spend quality time with your children - It is widely believed that the everyday experiences of children with their parents are fundamental to their developing social skills. In particular, parents responding and nurturing their children are considered to be key factors in the development of children's social competence. Loving and responsive parenting helps children to see the world in a positive way and to expect that relationships with others will be rewarding. Children who display high levels of social competence typically enjoy parent-child relationships characterized by positive and agreeable interactions and acceptance.
2. Play with your children in a "peer- like' way - just for the sake of having fun. Children learn crucial skills through play with other children, but they also learn a great deal through play with their parents. Children whose parents frequently play with them actually get along better with their peers. This is especially true, however, when parents play with their children in an effectively positive and peer-like way. Studies indicate that the parents of the most socially competent children laugh and smile often, avoid criticizing their child during play, are responsive to the child's ideas, and aren't too directive.
3. Provide your children with many opportunities to play with peers - There is no substitute for the experience children gain from interacting with peers. Children who have had many opportunities to play with peers from an early age are clearly at an advantage when they enter formal group settings such as daycare or school. Children especially benefit when they can develop long - lasting relationships. Young children, even toddlers, who are able to participate in stable peer groups become more competent over time and have fewer difficulties than children whose peer group membership shifts. In short, children develop better, more sophisticated social skills when they are able to maintain stable relationships with other children they like over long periods.
4. Talk with children about social relationships and values - Children who have more frequent conversations with a parent about peer relationships are better liked by other children in their classrooms and are rated by teachers as more socially competent. As a part of normal, daily conversation, these parents and children talk about the everyday events that happen in preschool, including things that happen with peers. Often these interactions take place on the way home from school or at dinner. It is important that these talks not be lectures, but rather conversations enjoyed by both parent and child. As such, these conversations probably serve two purposes: They communicate to the child an interest in his or her well-being, and they also serve as a basis for information exchange and genuine problem solving.
5. Take a problem-solving approach - Parents don't have to know the answers to all children's problems to talk to them in helpful ways. For example, a kindergarten child told her father of a girl in her class who she described as being "mean to everybody in the class," and to whom everyone else was, in turn, "mean back to her." Through conversation, the father asked his daughter questions about what she thought might be happening between the other child and her classmates. Through the discussion, the daughter reasoned that the girl might be acting "mean" because she thought no one in the class liked her and decided, as a gesture of goodwill, to draw a picture and give it to the other child. This father didn't dismiss his daughter's concerns or trivialize their complexity by offering an easy answer, and he didn't lecture her or quiz her. Instead, he engaged her in a conversation that offered her support to consider the problem for herself. Through problem-solving, parents can help children consider various solutions and perspectives. Parents of the most competent children often consider with the child multiple approaches to situations and reflect on potential consequences of each course of action. 

Sibling Rivalry