Raising Kids:

Parenting Skills for the 21st Century

Tantrums

Some children throw tantrums and some never do. Children throw tantrums as a way of expressing anger and frustration. If the behavior is dealt with incorrectly, the child may learn to use tantrums to manipulate people and to gain attention. In dealing with tantrums, the ultimate goal is to teach the child acceptable ways of expressing anger.

Surviving the tantrum:

The most important things to remember when your child is in the throes of a tantrum are:

• Punishment won’t help - it makes it worse.
• Rewards won’t help - they make it worse.
• You must stay calm and ignore the behavior as much as possible.
• Keep your child safe, isolating him if possible.
• Don't let the disapproval of other people affect your response.

When your child throws a tantrum, she is essentially out of control. You must make sure that you stay firmly in control. Punishing your child for throwing a tantrum, by yelling or spanking for example, makes the tantrum worse in the short term and prolongs the behavior in the long term. Trying to stop the tantrum by giving in to the child's demands is even worse. This is the way to teach a child to use tantrums for manipulation, and will cause the behavior to continue indefinitely, even into adulthood.

At Home:

When the child throws a tantrum at home, calmly carry her to a place where she can be left safely by herself, such as a crib or a playpen. Then leave the room, shut the door, and don't go back until she calms down. When the child is calm, have a talk with her about her behavior. If you don't feel safe leaving the child alone, stay with her, but don't respond to the tantrum in any way. Don't even make eye contact.

In Public: 

If the child throws a tantrum in public, carry him out of the public area if possible, and take him to a place where you can have some privacy. The best place to take him is to the car, where he can be buckled into his car seat. Then you sit in the front of the car and wait it out without reacting to the tantrum. When the tantrum subsides, talk to the child about his behavior, and then return to your activities.

Sometimes it won't be possible for you to escape from the public place easily. For example, if you are in a commercial airliner and the child throws a tantrum while you are coming in for a landing, you are basically stuck where you are. Likewise, you may find it hard to escape if you are standing in a long check-out line at the grocery store with a cart full of groceries. Under such circumstances, all you can do is grit your teeth and hang on. Ignore the screaming child. Ignore the glares and snide remarks of the people around you. Keep your cool. Once you are able to make your escape, talk to the child about his behavior.
 

Teaching alternatives to tantrums:

Once your child has settled down, you and she need to have a talk right away while the memories of the episode are still fresh in her mind. She threw the tantrum because she was angry or frustrated. Don't get into the issue of why she was angry or frustrated. Concentrate on the tantrum itself, explaining to the child that the behavior isn't appropriate. Then teach her what she should do instead when she feels angry. This works with children of any age, even toddlers. Your toddler will understand you. Toddlers understand far more than they are able to express.

First describe the behavior: "You felt angry and you threw a tantrum. You were screaming, throwing things, and kicking the walls." You say this so the child will understand exactly what you are talking about.
   

Then you explain that tantrums are not proper behavior. "Tantrums are not appropriate behavior. In our family, we don't scream and throw things and kick. That behavior is not acceptable." This has an impact on the child, because your child wants to do the right thing. You help her by explaining that tantrums are the wrong thing. And don't worry about using big words such as "appropriate." If you use big words with a child, the child will learn big words. If you use only little words, your child will learn only little words.

Then give the child some alternatives: "I know you felt angry. When you are angry, what you do is say, 'I'm angry!' Can you say that?" Have the child repeat the phrase after you.

Next review what you have said. "What are you going to say next time you're angry?" Get her to repeat the phrase, "I'm angry!" Then say, "Next time you're angry, are you going to scream?" The child will probably say or indicate "no." "Next time you're angry, are you going to throw things?" "Next time you're angry, are you going to kick?" End up with, "Tell me again what you're going to do next time you're angry."

You will have to repeat this discussion many, many times. It takes a long time for a child to learn how to control a temper tantrum.

Talking ahead of time: 

It may also help to talk with your child ahead of time about where you are going, what you will be doing and what the child will get to do if there are no tantrums.  For example, “we will go to store first, then to the playground.  If you have a tantrum at the store we will have to go home and won’t be able to go to the playground". If your child has tantrums over treats or things he wants, explain to him ahead of time what he will get and when he will get it. If you do not want to give a treat that trip, tell him before hand so that he knows what to expect.

Tantrums can never be completely eliminated, but hopefully these strategies will help you reduce their frequency and severity.  Stick to it!  The benefits are completely worth it.

Potty Training